FRIDAY FUNNIES - post 'em if you got some

[Mikey816]

A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.The first woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?"The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.The second woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been <A href="mailto:f@$%ed?"The">f@$%ed?"The fellow's heart started beating faster as he replied, "No."She said, "You will be when the tide comes in."

[Big Shooter]

Q/ What has BALLS and likes to SCREW Old Ladies?

A/ Bingo! :D

[Mikey816]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Boss I no come work today, I real sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon..... You got nice house."

[Big Shooter]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Boss I no come work today, I real sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon..... You got nice house."


Oh, I saw that one coming....kilometres away!!! :$

[Ems]

Oh, I saw that one coming....kilometres away!!! :$
haha, I didn't, pretty funny

[Mikey816]

Here's some more for your enjoyment! Damn, I can go on forever with these... lol... :rofl:


Some people are like slinkies

Not really good for anything,

But they still bring a smile to

your face when you push them

down a flight of stairs.

[mikejb]

It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress - sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement had thought that this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down."Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now, tell HIM that you have a headache!

[Mikey816]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!

[Eaze]

What's the difference between a goalie and a girl?

The goalie doesn't have to change his pads each period...


...I know, i'm sorry...:dunno:

[Mikey816]

What's the difference between a goalie and a girl?

The goalie doesn't have to change his pads each period...


...I know, i'm sorry...:dunno:Lol.... it's a bit cheesy but I still got a laugh out of it... haha..!! Keep trying!! :D :thumbs_up

[Eaze]

Alright, here goes another one...

A chinese and Jewish man confront one another,
-Jew: I hate you chinese people.
-Chinese guy: why do you hate us?
-Jew: Because you people bombed pearl Harbour.
-Chinese guy: no no no, that wasn't the Chinese, it was the japanese who bombed Pearl Harbour.
-Jew: Chinese, Japanese, Korean...you're all the same.

-Chinese guy: Well, I hate you jewish people
-Jew: And why the heck do you hate Jews?
-Chinese guy: Because you sank the Titanic...
-Jew: Sank the Titanic?!? we didn't sink the titanic, an iceberg sank it.
-Chinese guy: Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg...you're all the same.


good gawd...i'm sorry again for my lame jokes

[Focker Singh]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Focker Singh]

It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress - sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement had thought that this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down."Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now, tell HIM that you have a headache!
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Talking from experience there?!?! :rofl:

[Rocknronny]

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of alcohol at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walking down the road heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilts." She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth. Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.

Several minutes later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt and saw where the blue ribbon was tied.

After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said, "I dinna know where ya been laddie...but it's nice ta know ya won first prize!"

[mikemakeitso]

What's the difference between a goalie and a girl?

The goalie doesn't have to change his pads each period...


...I know, i'm sorry...:dunno:
*laughing* oh boy...

[mikemakeitso]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Boss I no come work today, I real sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon..... You got nice house."


Good one...:rofl:

[Mikey816]

Here's another one from my stash of funnies.... *warning, not meant to be racist!* Enjoy!!

An Oriental was trying to exchange yen for dollars. He asks the teller, "Why it change, yestoday I get two hunat dollar for yen - today I get a hunat eighty". The teller replies, "Fluctuations." The Oriental shouts, "Fluc you white guys too!"

[Eaze]

Here's another one from my stash of funnies.... *warning, not meant to be racist!* Enjoy!!

An Oriental was trying to exchange yen for dollars. He asks the teller, "Why it change, yestoday I get two hunat dollar for yen - today I get a hunat eighty". The teller replies, "Fluctuations." The Oriental shouts, "Fluc you white guys too!"

you are a racist...

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y178/Gamemaster1761/random%20pics/thatsracist.gif

[Mikey816]

you are a racist...

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y178/Gamemaster1761/random%20pics/thatsracist.gif

THANKS! :D

[Mikey816]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her! The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them

[laxgolf]

The Leafs sign Tie Domi and fans are happy about it.


Yippee!!!!!!

[mikemakeitso]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her! The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them


Mikey816... it looks like you have some vent up frustration... Good thing you can use golf as a release.

[Golftool]

My wife made me join a bridge club.

I jump off next Tuesday.:eek:

[mirak]

Q : Why do Scotsmen were kilts?

A : So that the sheep cannot hear the zipper !

[patricks]

Saw this one in the Golf Digest I just received....


What has four legs, 56 teeth, and can move at 15 miles an hour?

Two tour wives in a golf cart!

:rofl:

[Grass Roots Tour]

A German man pretended his car had broken down to dupe local residents into letting him use their phones to call sex hotlines.
At least four women have complained to police in Bad Urach after the man, said to be in his early 40s, used their phones.

They thought he was calling out breakdown services when he was actually calling premium rate kinky sex lines for up to 20 minutes at a time.

One victim, who asked not to be named, told police: "It was raining and I felt bad that his car had broken down and so let him in to call the breakdown services.

"But after 15 minutes he still hadn't come off the phone and when I went to look he was red in the face and was obviously excited about something."

She added the man then hung up, ran out of her house and sped away in his car.

"When I pressed redial someone called Jasmine answered and asked what she could do for me and on my next phone bill I found he's run up almost £40 on the call," she said.

The above was entirely copy and paste.

[Rocknronny]

The following warning labels will be placed immediately on all beer containers:

1. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

2. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

3. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

4. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

5. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

6. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

7. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

8. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your *** kicked.

9. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

10. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

11. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

12. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

13. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

14. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

[Rocknronny]

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[Rocknronny]

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight, and not too often.

There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practiceconstantly, or start cheating.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count,criticize, or laugh.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

[Mikey816]

A well-to-do lawyer was riding in his shiny limousine one afternoon, when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate the situation. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We HAVE to eat grass!" The lawyer then said, "Well, then, you can come with me to my house, and I'll feed you!" But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he said, "You come with us, too." The second man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!" "Bring them all!" the lawyer answered. They all jammed into the huge limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

[rockwalls]

1. Winston Churchill: "Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture."

2. Jack Benny: "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf."

3. Lee Trevino: "You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work."

4 Unknown: "Golf is not a game, it's bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins."

5. Hank Aaron: "It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course."

6. Lee Trevino: "Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course."

7. Lee Trevino: "I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced."

8. Sam Snead: "These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow."

9. Paul Harvey: "Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five."

10. Tommy Bolt, about the tempers of modern players: "They throw their clubs backwards, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it."

11. Tommy Bolt: "Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet."

12. Jimmy Demaret: "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at."

13. Jack Lemmon: "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."

14. Lee Trevino: "If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron."

15. Unknown: "Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour."

16. John Updike: "Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five."

17. "Silk Stockings" TV Show: "The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music."

18. P.G. Wodehouse: "The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows."

19. Chi Chi Rodriguez: "The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life."

20. Chi Chi Rodriguez: "After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye."

21. Tommy Bolt, toward the end of one of his infamous high-volume, temperamental, club-throwing rounds, asked his caddie for a club recommendation for a shot of about 155 yards.

His caddie said, "I'd say either a 3-iron or a wedge, sir."

"A 3- iron or a wedge?" asked Bolt, "what kind of stupid choice is that?"

"Those are the only two clubs you have left, sir." said the caddie.

[Big Shooter]

1. Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: " Do you think you can keep your head down that long?"

2. Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

3. Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

4. Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

5. Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so, sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

6. Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

7. Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good, sir, but, personally, I prefer golf."

8. Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

9. Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

10. Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.".

[Big Shooter]

Will I live to be 80?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a ****?"

[Big Shooter]

The mystery is finally resolved.:)


How does the small arrow on your computer monitor work when we move the mouse?

Haven't you ever wondered how it works?

With the aid of a screen magnifying lens, the mechanism becomes apparent.

Click on the link below and you will find out. The image may take a minute or two to download and when it appears, slowly move your mouse over the light gray circle and you will see how the magic works.


Follow this link and find out the truth

http://www.1-click.jp/ (http://www.1-click.jp/)

[nearace]

Here's some more for your enjoyment! Damn, I can go on forever with these... lol... :rofl:


Some people are like slinkies

Not really good for anything,

But they still bring a smile to

your face when you push them

down a flight of stairs.

now thats funny:rofl:

[Rocknronny]

Now this is funny.

[goshawk]

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage.

A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all
looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a
seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the
engine, I have lost it and need a new one..." She replied that she did
not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her
to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and
asked "is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg