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  • Re: Jokes

    I WAS IN A PUB LAST NIGHT AND SAW TWO LARGE
    GIRLS BY THE BAR.

    THEY BOTH HAD STRANGE ACCENTS SO I SAID "HELLO ARE YOU TWO GIRLS FROM
    SCOTLAND?"

    ONE OF THEM SCREAMED... "ITS WALES YOU ****ING IDIOT!"

    SO I IMMEDIATELY APOLOGISED AND SAID " SORRY ARE YOU TWO WHALES FROM SCOTLAND?

    Comment


    • Re: Jokes

      Originally posted by gu1985 View Post
      I WAS IN A PUB LAST NIGHT AND SAW TWO LARGE
      GIRLS BY THE BAR.

      THEY BOTH HAD STRANGE ACCENTS SO I SAID "HELLO ARE YOU TWO GIRLS FROM
      SCOTLAND?"

      ONE OF THEM SCREAMED... "ITS WALES YOU ****ING IDIOT!"

      SO I IMMEDIATELY APOLOGISED AND SAID " SORRY ARE YOU TWO WHALES FROM SCOTLAND?
      amazing!
      What's in the Sunmountain 4.5?

      10.5 M2 with Speeder 77 Stiff 3 wood shaft
      TM Rescue 17*
      TM M2 4-AW
      TM RAC 52/56 CG15 60
      Odyssey 2 Ball with Superstroke Fatso

      Comment


      • Re: Jokes

        DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE
        80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
        An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
        Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

        Comment


        • Re: Jokes

          CLEAN FUNNY JOKE

          Two Trees and a Woodpecker
          It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:
          Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

          The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

          The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies,
          'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.
          Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant with the weak and wrong, because sometime in your life, you will have been all of these. Dr. Robert H. Goddard




          Comment


          • Re: Jokes

            SCOUSERS JOIN FERRARI TEAM

            "The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."
            This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' program and employ some Liverpudlian teenagers.
            The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without any proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with million of pounds worth of high tech gear.

            It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

            However, At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team.
            Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant with the weak and wrong, because sometime in your life, you will have been all of these. Dr. Robert H. Goddard




            Comment


            • Re: Jokes

              Originally posted by gu1985 View Post
              I WAS IN A PUB LAST NIGHT AND SAW TWO LARGE
              GIRLS BY THE BAR.

              THEY BOTH HAD STRANGE ACCENTS SO I SAID "HELLO ARE YOU TWO GIRLS FROM
              SCOTLAND?"

              ONE OF THEM SCREAMED... "ITS WALES YOU ****ING IDIOT!"

              SO I IMMEDIATELY APOLOGISED AND SAID " SORRY ARE YOU TWO WHALES FROM SCOTLAND?
              I'm going to be using that one.
              Ping G410 Plus 10.5*
              Ping G410 3W 16*(17*)
              Ping G400 7W 20.5* or 3H 19*
              Ping G400 4H - 22*
              Ping G400 5 - UW
              Ping Glide 3.0 54/14 WS
              Ping Glide 3.0 58/10 SS
              Gamer: Odyssey Tri-Hot 5K One (Evnroll gravity grip)
              Back up: SeeMore DB4 Nashville (303 milled)

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              • Re: Jokes

                True story, a buddy of my brother's once heard a couple of guys mention the word taxidermy.

                He proclaimed he would never ever do that as he never wants to work for the government.
                Ping G410 Plus 10.5*
                Ping G410 3W 16*(17*)
                Ping G400 7W 20.5* or 3H 19*
                Ping G400 4H - 22*
                Ping G400 5 - UW
                Ping Glide 3.0 54/14 WS
                Ping Glide 3.0 58/10 SS
                Gamer: Odyssey Tri-Hot 5K One (Evnroll gravity grip)
                Back up: SeeMore DB4 Nashville (303 milled)

                Comment


                • Re: Jokes

                  Not really in good taste, suprised it's still here.
                  Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant with the weak and wrong, because sometime in your life, you will have been all of these. Dr. Robert H. Goddard




                  Comment


                  • Re: Jokes

                    A Lesson In Irony!

                    The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture,
                    is proud of the fact it is distributing the greatest amount of free meals
                    and food stamps ever.

                    Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of
                    the Interior, asks:

                    "Please Do Not Feed the Animals."

                    Their stated reason for the policy is because the animals will grow
                    dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.

                    This ends today's lesson.
                    Money won is twice as sweet as money earned!

                    Comment


                    • Re: Jokes

                      Originally posted by mpare View Post
                      This is not a joke, but more of a Seinfeld story. The story has been around for years, but it's still very funny. Hope you enjoy it.

                      A SENIOR MOMENT: I HOPE I HAVE THEM LIKE THIS.

                      Hats off to this 98-year-old Senior Woman!!!

                      Just proves that all Seniors don't all lose their marbles!!!!

                      A 98-year-old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank.

                      The Bank Manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

                      Dear Sir,
                      I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.

                      I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

                      My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, but, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your Bank has become.

                      From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

                      My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your Bank whom you must nominate.

                      Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

                      Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete.

                      I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your Bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

                      Please note that a Solicitor must countersign all copies of his or her medical history, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

                      In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

                      As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

                      Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

                      1. To make an appointment to see me.
                      2. To query a missing payment.
                      3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
                      4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
                      5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
                      6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
                      7. To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
                      8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
                      9. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

                      Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

                      May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, new year?

                      Your Humble Client.
                      Still funny, but not written by a 98 year old lady. It's a humor piece by an Australian columnist back in the early 2000s or so. I remember checking it out on Snopes at least ten years ago.

                      Comment


                      • Re: Jokes

                        Originally posted by TENSNE1 View Post
                        A Lesson In Irony!

                        The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture,
                        is proud of the fact it is distributing the greatest amount of free meals
                        and food stamps ever.

                        Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of
                        the Interior, asks:

                        "Please Do Not Feed the Animals."

                        Their stated reason for the policy is because the animals will grow
                        dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.

                        This ends today's lesson.
                        Tee-hee. How true!

                        Comment


                        • Re: Jokes

                          Two Newfies were going to Disneyland
                          They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT.

                          They turned around and went home.

                          Comment


                          • Re: Jokes

                            The Golf Pro and the Surgeon

                            A golf pro was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.
                            Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
                            "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

                            "Oh no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over, my income is lost ! Please Doc, what's the good news?
                            "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
                            "As long as I can play golf and make a living again……Go for it doc" says the man. "

                            The operation went well and a year later the pro was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
                            "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
                            "Just great" says the pro. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
                            "That's great," said the surgeon.
                            "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in water colors."

                            "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
                            "Well, just one problem," said the pro………….. "Every time I get an erection, I also get a blinding headache."

                            Comment


                            • Re: Jokes

                              BEST COME BACK LINE EVER.
                              Police work can sometimes be entertaining as well as dangerous.
                              Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated.
                              Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
                              In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

                              "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."
                              Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
                              "I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??"

                              He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:

                              "Pumpkin? Oh Sh1t ... you mean it's midnight already?"
                              Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant with the weak and wrong, because sometime in your life, you will have been all of these. Dr. Robert H. Goddard




                              Comment


                              • Re: Jokes

                                This is no joke. I'm sure there are some who believe this.

                                Comment

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