Jokes

[bk51]

Re: Jokes

The Gorilla AND THE REDNECK

[nearace]

Re: Jokes

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,
"How do you stay in such great physical condition?"
"I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm
in such good shape..I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well."
"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"
"Who said my Dad's dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's
still alive. How old is he?"
"He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer. "In fact he golfed
with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive.
He's Italian and he's a golfer, too."
"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to
it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my grandpa's dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"
"He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point,
"So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"
"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married
today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it.
"Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old man want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to?"

[Mule56]

Re: Jokes

THE RULES OF RURAL ONTARIO ARE AS FOLLOWS
Listen up City Slickers !
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right! Your head isn't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? Hwy 21/26 goes east and west, Hwy 6/10 goes north and south. Pick one.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $150,000 combines and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. So every person in Rural Ontario waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat mashed potatoes & gravy, beans & puffed wheat cake. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
12. When we set a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.
14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
15. OHL and Minor Hockey is as important here as the Leafs and Habs, and more fun to watch.
16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.
17.. Colleges? We have them all over. We have Universities and Community Colleges, They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.
18. We have a whole ton of folks in the Canadian Forces. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.
20. 2 inches of ice isn't a blizzard - it's a vacation. Drive like you got some sense in it, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and bleach from the grocery stores. This ain't Alaska , worst case you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades and Tractors with Snow Blowers will have you out the next day. [+ our dedicated township employees]

[STR82ACE]

Re: Jokes

Three guys are about to start their round when a beautiful young lady approaches them and asks to join their group. They eagarly agree, and the four start off.

The sexy young woman is playing great, and the three men are quite astonished, and each spends the round flirting with her and giving advise every chance they get, trying to impress her.

Final hole, the beautiful woman ends up with a 30' putt. She turns to the men in the group and says "I"m having the best game of my life thanks to you guys. If I make this putt, it will be the first time I break par. Whoever gives me the best advise on how to sink this one to break par, I'll be so thrilled, I'll spend the rest of day with him making passionate love"

The first man steps behind the ball, gives a good look, and says "Medium speed, 2' break left to right"

The second man steps up, looks at the line and says "Fast roll, dead straight"

The third man doesn't move. Stares at the sexy young beauty, and says...

"Its a gimme."

[nearace]

Re: Jokes

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.
He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says,
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look short!"

[nearace]

Re: Jokes

Tom was playing a practice round at his home course with his wife as caddy. He was playing well and enjoying the day with his wife until they came to the Par 4 13th. Tom asked for his driver and set up for the tee shot. A rushed swing produced a big pull hook that went into the trees left. Tom and his wife were searching for his ball and his wife called to Tom that she had found it. The ball had come to rest some 30 yards behind a shed used by the greenkeeper and Tom's wife suggested he take a wedge and pitch it sideways back to the fairway.

Anyway, Tom sizes up the situation and says, "I've got an idea. If you go up to the shed and open the front and the back doors I think I can punch a 2 iron through the shed up towards the green". Anyway, his wife goes and opens the doors and moves aside. Tom pulls out his 2 iron and plays it back in his stance and produces the best punch shot he's ever hit. It bullets low and fast towards the open shed doors, however it catches the door frame and ricochets sideways and hits his wife flush in the head. She drops dead to the ground.

Two years later Tom is playing in a competition at his home course. They come to the 13th hole and one of his playing partners hits a pull hook into the trees left. They find the ball and it is behind the same shed. Tom says, "you better take a wedge and pitch it sideways back to the fairway". The playing partner says he has an idea, "if you open the front and back doors on the shed, I think I can punch a 2 iron through the shed up towards the green". Tom say, "I wouldn't do that if I were you, I had the same shot 2 years ago and it ended up an absolute disaster". His playing partner says, "why, what happened". Tom says, "I made 6".

[Rustyblades]

Re: Jokes

Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.


At first I said, 'Naaahhh!'


Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.'


Then I thought...







S**+, I could win this!'

[nearace]

Re: Jokes

A guy sits down in a resturant and asks for the hot chilli.
The waitress says the guy next to you got the last bowl.
He looks over and sees the guy is finished his meal but the chilli bowl is still full.
He says are you going to eat that?
The other guy says no help your self.
He takes it and starts to eat it, when halfway down he his fork hits something.
He looks down and sees a dead mouse in it and he pukes the chilli back into the bowl.
The other guy says, that's about as far as i got as well.

[jmac]

Re: Jokes

A guy comes home from a bad round of golf, walks inside and punches his wife in the face!
She gets up crying and screams, "why did you do that?!?"
He says, "I've been hitting everything fat all day."

[goshawk]

Re: Jokes

I needed a good laugh this morning, and this qualified!

[imAnewbie]

Re: Jokes

Good one! Damn I will give her a 20 yard approach to the green if this is gonna happen!

Three guys are about to start their round when a beautiful young lady approaches them and asks to join their group. They eagarly agree, and the four start off.

The sexy young woman is playing great, and the three men are quite astonished, and each spends the round flirting with her and giving advise every chance they get, trying to impress her.

Final hole, the beautiful woman ends up with a 30' putt. She turns to the men in the group and says "I"m having the best game of my life thanks to you guys. If I make this putt, it will be the first time I break par. Whoever gives me the best advise on how to sink this one to break par, I'll be so thrilled, I'll spend the rest of day with him making passionate love"

The first man steps behind the ball, gives a good look, and says "Medium speed, 2' break left to right"

The second man steps up, looks at the line and says "Fast roll, dead straight"

The third man doesn't move. Stares at the sexy young beauty, and says...

"Its a gimme."

[Titan]

Re: Jokes

Golf song:

http://members.shaw.ca/stephen.sutherland/golf.html

[corchard]

Re: Jokes

That looks and sounds a lot like Dave.

[davepratt]

Re: Jokes

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
>
> A half-gallon of 2% milk,
> A carton of eggs,
> A quart of orange juice,
> A head of romaine lettuce,
> A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
> A 1 lb. package of bacon.
>
> As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check
> out, a drunk
> standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front
> of the
> cashier.
>
> While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk
> calmly stated,
> 'You must be single.'
>
> I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was
> intrigued by the
> derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I
> looked at the six
> items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
> about my
> selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my
> marital status.
>
> Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you
> know what, you're
> absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'
>
> The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

[jcggolfer]

Re: Jokes

I just received this one....