Jokes

[WILL]

2 men go golfing, they come up to the ninth hole and are stuck behind two slow women. One man says to the other i’m going to go ask them if we can play through. So the man gets half way to the women and turns around and comes back and tells his buddy i can’t go up there cause one of them is my wife and the other is my mystress. So the other man drives up there and turns around and comes back, his buddy said what wrong, the man replied it’s a small world isn’t it !

At a fancy country club, a new member insulted the best golfer at the club by accident. THe Better golfer challenged him to one game of golf and offered $5000 to the guy if he won. The new member says, "Alright, I’ll accept, but only on one condition...you have to let me get two ’Gotcha’s’ during the game." Not knowing what a ’Gotcha’ was, and not really caring, he accepted to the terms. So the new guy and the old pro go out to the first hole, the new guy tee’s off and makes a fairly good shot. The pro then steps up confidently, sets his ball down, starts to swing, and the new guy runs up, grabs his balls and yells, "Gotcha!" The ball goes far to the left and the pro, angry and embarassed stomps off after it. Several hours go by and the to competitors return to the country club after their round of golf and the other members see the old pro take out his checkbook and write the new guy the promised $5000. The pro walks in and sits down, furiously. The others ask him how he lost and he replies, "Let’s see you play a good game while waiting for the second ’Gotcha’!"

A young couple get married and go on their honeymoon. They quickly head to the bedroom to consumate their marriage for the first time, as the man gently lays his young bride on the bed she looks deep into his eyes and says " i have a confession to make", this is not the first time i have had sex, a few years back I met Tiger Woods at a bar and we went back to his room and made love. I can understand that the man replied, Tiger is talented, rich, famous and hamsome, ****, I’d do him too. So the young couple get down to it and when they finished the man got up and went to the phone. "What are you doing ?" she asked. I’m ringing room service I’m famished.
"Tiger wouldn’t do that" she said. What woud he do? he replied.
" Tiger would make love me again". So off they went again, once again the man got up and moved towards the phone. "Tiger wouldn’t do that, Tiger would make love to one more time she said. So once again the man goes back to bed and makes love, as they finished for the third time the man got up and picked up the phone.
" Are you going to ring room service" the girl said
"NO" said the man "I’m ringing Tiger Woods, I want to ask him what par this hole is".

a nun goes to confession and says forgive me father for i have sinned.
i am guilty of using bad language.
the priest says tell me how it happened my child
the nun says well i was playing golf and i hit an amazing tee shot. but the ball hit hit a seagull and only went 40 yards.
i see said the priest is this whe when you swore.
no said the nun because whe the ball alnded a squirrel picked it up and ran away with it.
i see said the priest is this when yopu swore.
no siad the nun because then an eagle swooped down and grabbed the squirrel and flew off with it.
i see said the priest is this when you swore
no said the nun because the eagle flew over the green and the squirrel dropped the ball only 2 inches away from the hole.
at hearing this the priest put his head in his hands and said YOU MISSED THE PhLIPPING PUTT DIDNT YOU.

A beautiful, sexy woman was playing a round of golf with three male fiends and was playing the round of her life. On the 18th green she needs to sink a 25 foot putt to break 80 for the first time ever so she said to her friends, none of whom have ever hooked up with her, "if one of you reads this putt correctly and I make it I will give you a b j right here on the green."

So, the first guys steps up and says, "I think it breaks right to left and you should start the putt about three balls outside the right edge."

Second guy says, "no way, the putt actually breaks only slightly right to left. Do not give up the hole and start the putt just inside the right edge."

The last guy steps up to read the putt. He walks all around the green reading all the undulations and slopes, obviously very focused on the task at hand. After a few minutes he turns to the woman and says, "pick it up, it’s a gimme."

Tom’s tee shot off the first tee hooks horribly and skips off the clubhouse roof. He decides it’s not worth chasing so he tees up another ball and plays on. As he’s making the turn at nine, his friend comes running out of the clubhouse, "Tom, wait up!" "Yeah, what is it?" "Did you see what happened to your ball from the first tee?" "Well, I hooked the ball off the clubhouse roof but I didn’t see what happened to it." "Let me tell you, it richocheted off a van’s window which went out of control and hit a school bus. The bus tumbled down an embankment and burst into flames! Three kids are in critical condition at the hospital!" "Oh my God! What should I do?" " "Well, I think if you just open your club face a little bit

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker - "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men’s tee, please!" Mike was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement - "Would the man on the women’s tee kindly back up the men’s tee!" Mike had had enough. He shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"

4 guys are discussing how they get their wives to let them play golf every Sunday morning. The first says "Every Saturday night I take my wife out to an expensive dinner". The second says "Every Saturday I clean the house for my wife". The third says "Every Saturday I let my wife go shopping and she can buy whatever she wants". The fourth guy just looks at the other three and just shakes his head. "You guys go it all wrong." On Sunday morning I get up at 5:00am, shake my wife and say golf course or intercourse?

[landlord]

Re: Jokes

Been saving up, have we?

[WILL]

Re: Jokes

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi are playing a round of golf, and are getting really angry at the threesome in front of them, who are playing painfully slow, and refusing to let them play through. The men of God are screaming, cursing, and threatening the threesome from a distance, but it seems to do no good, so as soon as they get back to the clubhouse, they get the course manager against the wall, and read him the riot act.

"Goddam it, you stupid SOB, why don’t you do something about these a-holes who play so slowly that they ruin everyone else’s day."

Gee guys, I’m really sorry, but it so happens that the three gentlemen in front of you are...blind, and it takes them longer to play the course.

Oh my God, says the priest, to think of the way I judged those poor disabled men; and me a leader of the church! I feel terrible!
I’ll tell you what I’m going to do... I’m going to donate 10 % of this Saturday’s bingo receipts to the American Federation of the Blind.

Good Lord, I feel the same way, and me, a man of the cloth, acting and speaking the way I did to those unfortunate souls...I’ll tell you what, I’m going to give 20% of this weeks donations to the American Federation of the Blind.

So everyone turns and looks at the Rabbi, who shrugs his shoulders and says, "So vy dey can’t play at night?"

Been saving up, have we?

Nah, bored to death! Got the copy and paste thing goin'.

[goshawk]

Re: Jokes

A deaf mute went to the course for a quick 9. He ended up playing alone and soon caught up with a 4some of golfers who were playing for a considerable amount of money. He caught up with them on the tee box of a par 3. He took out a notepad and wrote on it "I'm deaf and alone. Would you mind if I played through?" The guy he showed the note to just laughed and brushed him off. When he caught up with them on the tee on the next par 3, he took out his notebook and wrote the same question again. The same golfer flipped him the finger and walked away. When the mute got the the next tee box, the 4some was in the fairway about the hit their 2nd shot. He teed up his ball and fired one down the fairway, landing right next to the guy with the finger. When the guy turned around, all he saw was an old gentleman on the tee box with 4 fingers in the air.

[nearace]

Re: Jokes

A deaf mute went to the course for a quick 9. He ended up playing alone and soon caught up with a 4some of golfers who were playing for a considerable amount of money. He caught up with them on the tee box of a par 3. He took out a notepad and wrote on it "I'm deaf and alone. Would you mind if I played through?" The guy he showed the note to just laughed and brushed him off. When he caught up with them on the tee on the next par 3, he took out his notebook and wrote the same question again. The same golfer flipped him the finger and walked away. When the mute got the the next tee box, the 4some was in the fairway about the hit their 2nd shot. He teed up his ball and fired one down the fairway, landing right next to the guy with the finger. When the guy turned around, all he saw was an old gentleman on the tee box with 4 fingers in the air.

now that was good

[riso]

Re: Jokes

A man was at the country club playing his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen of course, finishing his round shooting a personal best of 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.

He was jubilant.... then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital. He found the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf - didn't you?! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past three hours enjoying yourself at the country club, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock' care. And YOU'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just messing with ya. She's dead. So, what'd you shoot?"

:-)

[landlord]

Re: Jokes

Jesus and Peter are out in their summer robes, shooting a friendly round of golf at the Bethlehem Muni (73.0/142).

First hole is a straightaway par 4, 410 yards, OB-right where a dairy farmer's herd of cows grazes contentedly. Peter stands up there and strokes one about 280 down the middle.

Jesus, after his customary waggle which included heavenward eye-rolls and muttered supplications, goes way OTT and bombs a beautiful high slice into the herd of cows. Ball hits one of them square in the forehead and bounces high into the air where it is caught by a passing seagull.

Seagull drops it down to a younger seagull, who then flies it to the green and drops it in the hole.

Peter, hands on hips, looks at Jesus and says, "You come here to play golf or **** around?"

(Note to mods: I really need my asterisks for this joke. Could you kindly not replace them with actual words?)

[nearace]

Re: Jokes

What's the Score?
Andy's wife, refusing to give in to looking her age, went out and bought a
new line of expensive cosmetics, guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products,
she asked her husband, "Andy, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age
would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Andy replied, "Judging
from your skin, 20; your hair, 18; your eyes, 16, and your figure, 25."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to give Andy a big
slobbery kiss, he stopped her by saying: "Hold on dear, I haven't added
them all up yet!" They say that Andy will be back on his feet again in a
week or two...

[MannyR]

The Gift

The Gift

A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girl friend's birthday. As they had only started dating, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: personal, but not too personal.

Accompanied by the girl friend's younger sister, he went to Sak's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items mixed up and the sister got the gloves and the girl friend got the panties.

The guy sent the package to the girl friend with the following note:

I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the sales clerk that helped me has a pair that she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.

All my love.

PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

The Emergency Room

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

[nearace]

Re: Jokes

Following the untimely death of her husband, the widow Smith is sitting in the office of the funeral director.
“Now, what would you like to say in the obituary,” he asked.
“Smith Died.”
“That’s a little short. Is there anything else you’d like to add?,” the funeral director asked.
“Golf Clubs for sale.”

[Richard]

Re: Jokes

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

Bill and his wife Sally died and went to Heaven together. They were met at the gates by an angel who was to show them the place. Right over here, we have our very own golf course! "Wow! It's beautiful! Can we play it now?" they both asked. "Sure!" said the angel.
Therefore, the couple began playing. It was the most beautiful course they had ever seen. Everything was perfect... the fairways, the greens, even the roughs. The more they played the more the woman beamed with happiness, but she noticed her husband was becoming disheartened and angry.
Sally confronted her husband on what was wrong. She said, "I can't understand why you're not happy. We're in Heaven! We're together! We're playing on the most beautiful and perfect golf course ever! What's wrong with you?" Bill replied, "If you hadn't fed us those DAMN bran muffins, we'd been here years ago!"


Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods are playing the 16th hole, when Tiger's tee shot lands behind a huge, 100 foot fir tree. Tiger looks at Arnie and says, "How would you play this one? Lay up and take the extra stroke?"

Arnold replies: "When I was your age, I'd just play right over this tree."

Tiger, not wanting to be shown up by ol' Arnold Palmer, proceeds to hit the ball high, but not high enough. It bounces off the tree and lands out of bounds. Tiger, really ticked at this point, asks Arnold how he EVER hit a ball over that tree.

Arnold replied: "Well, when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall."




The fun you get from golf is in direct ratio to the effort you don't put into it.


I'm hitting the woods just great, but I'm having a terrible time getting out of them.


When I'm on a golf course and it starts to rain and lightning, I hold up my one iron, 'cause I know even God can't hit a one iron.


Do you know who in 1923 was:

1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least they found the secret of making money.

Now more than 80 years later, do you know what has become of these men?

1. The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, died insane.
3. The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide.
The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship, Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments. He was still playing golf at 90 and solvent.

Moral: Don't worry about business and concentrate on your golf!

[jcggolfer]

Re: Jokes

A guy shows up Sunday morning for his regular foursome. His friends immediately noticed he was looking pretty down and asked him what was wrong? "Well" he said "I think my wife is dead". Mortified his friends asked why he would say that. He replies, "Well the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up!

[Richard]

Re: Jokes

"Dear," asked the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," answered the husband. "Why do you ask such a horrid question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, love," replied the husband.
"Do you like being married?" asked the wife.
"Of course I do, lamb." he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband on taking a different tact trying to end the conversation, "I'd remarry, then."
"You would?" responded the wife, looking quite pained.
"Yes," replied the trapped husband.
"Would you sleep with her in OUR bed?" asked the wife after a very long pause.
"Well, yes, I suppose I would." replied her tiring mate.
"I see," said the wife quite sternly and indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to," stammered her mate, adding, "it would be a compliment to your exquisite taste."
"Really," replied the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"I don't know. But wouldn't that be the correct thing to do?," he replied.
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear. That would be impossible. She's left-handed."

[nearace]

Re: Jokes

I asked a colleague of mine how he did at his big golf tournament over the weekend. He just gave me a ugly look and said “it was so bad I lost two in the ball washers.”

[nearace]

Re: Jokes

A golfer returned from his weekly saturday round late, and looking completely exhausted.
“What happened?,” his wife asked.
“Well, I was playing pretty well until Bob dropped dead on the 11th tee.”
“That’s horrible,” his wife said.
“It sure was,” the golfer said. “The last eight holes it was hit a shot, drag Bob, hit a shot drag Bob.”