OPINION: 7am: Knock on Adam's hotel room door and prepare to pull him from beneath a pile of hookers and cocktail waitresses. But he is showered, dressed and ready to go. Strange behaviour for a top-flight player, but it's not up to a humble servant like me to judge.
7.30am: Stuck in heavy traffic on our way to the course. Leap out of courtesy car and, after some flexing of the old Kiwi muscles, the paramedics finally agree to pull the ambulance to the side of the road and let us through. Honestly, don't people know professional caddies and their golfers work to strict deadlines?
8am: Great session on the practice tee. Clubs coming out of the bag smoothly, towel works good. Now just hope Adam can play his part.
8.30am: Spot Tiger. Later he tells the press I made a throat-slitting gesture. Just another of the things people don't know about Tiger. Absolutely no respect for great traditions like the haka.
8.45am: Catch a bit of the telecast in the locker room. Really enjoy Nick Faldo's analysis. Knows a bit about the game, having won six majors - almost half as many as me!
9am: Caddies are a close-knit bunch and never let petty feuds destroy our camaraderie. So it's nice to welcome Tiger's new man, Byron Bell, with the traditional ''brick in the bottom of the bag'' initiation. Naturally, I get blamed for planting the exploding golf balls when Tiger tees off. People just won't accept that I have moved on.
First tee: Adam asks for his driver, but I tell him he should go with a one wood. He gives me an uncertain look, but agrees. You have to establish who's boss in a new relationship.
Fifth fairway: Adam has hoiked his drive way left, the type of tense situation where you earn your pay. Adam wants a four-iron but I hand him a banana. Just a little reminder not to make a monkey out of me by hitting the ball into a place where I haven't got a yardage.
Eighth tee: Darren Clarke pulls out his matches and prepares to light a cigar. I grab the fire hydrant from the bottom of the bag and spray him with foam. It's those little things, like having the umbrella up when the first drop falls, always packing two of everything and saving your client from potentially harmful passive smoking that set the truly great caddie apart.
Eleventh fairway: Adam's long putter keeps rubbing against my ear. But, in this game, hardship and suffering are part of the deal. So I snap the thing over my knee, tell Adam only those dodderers on the Seniors Tour and Tiger's old girlfriends need broomsticks. He says Tony Navarro never spoke to him like that. The boy clearly needs some tough love!
Sixteenth green: Uh, oh! The media pack has arrived. Well, some old lady in the gallery has pulled out a camera and there is a real danger she will snap Adam's backswing. So, before you can say ''cheese'', I jump the rope, pin her to the ground and throw the offending item into a water hazard. When she gets up, she claims she was taking a picture of her husband and Adam had already putted out, anyway. This is the type of media distortion you have to live with on tour.
2.30pm: Back in the locker room. Adam has shot a 73, but I reassure him I'm not too upset - even the greatest caddie has to accept that his player can let him down. Now it's the press conference, sign some autographs and a meeting with a biographer back at the hotel. Adam? Not sure what he's up to. Bloke's bloody lucky to avoid the trappings of stardom.
- Sydney Morning Herald
7.30am: Stuck in heavy traffic on our way to the course. Leap out of courtesy car and, after some flexing of the old Kiwi muscles, the paramedics finally agree to pull the ambulance to the side of the road and let us through. Honestly, don't people know professional caddies and their golfers work to strict deadlines?
8am: Great session on the practice tee. Clubs coming out of the bag smoothly, towel works good. Now just hope Adam can play his part.
8.30am: Spot Tiger. Later he tells the press I made a throat-slitting gesture. Just another of the things people don't know about Tiger. Absolutely no respect for great traditions like the haka.
8.45am: Catch a bit of the telecast in the locker room. Really enjoy Nick Faldo's analysis. Knows a bit about the game, having won six majors - almost half as many as me!
9am: Caddies are a close-knit bunch and never let petty feuds destroy our camaraderie. So it's nice to welcome Tiger's new man, Byron Bell, with the traditional ''brick in the bottom of the bag'' initiation. Naturally, I get blamed for planting the exploding golf balls when Tiger tees off. People just won't accept that I have moved on.
First tee: Adam asks for his driver, but I tell him he should go with a one wood. He gives me an uncertain look, but agrees. You have to establish who's boss in a new relationship.
Fifth fairway: Adam has hoiked his drive way left, the type of tense situation where you earn your pay. Adam wants a four-iron but I hand him a banana. Just a little reminder not to make a monkey out of me by hitting the ball into a place where I haven't got a yardage.
Eighth tee: Darren Clarke pulls out his matches and prepares to light a cigar. I grab the fire hydrant from the bottom of the bag and spray him with foam. It's those little things, like having the umbrella up when the first drop falls, always packing two of everything and saving your client from potentially harmful passive smoking that set the truly great caddie apart.
Eleventh fairway: Adam's long putter keeps rubbing against my ear. But, in this game, hardship and suffering are part of the deal. So I snap the thing over my knee, tell Adam only those dodderers on the Seniors Tour and Tiger's old girlfriends need broomsticks. He says Tony Navarro never spoke to him like that. The boy clearly needs some tough love!
Sixteenth green: Uh, oh! The media pack has arrived. Well, some old lady in the gallery has pulled out a camera and there is a real danger she will snap Adam's backswing. So, before you can say ''cheese'', I jump the rope, pin her to the ground and throw the offending item into a water hazard. When she gets up, she claims she was taking a picture of her husband and Adam had already putted out, anyway. This is the type of media distortion you have to live with on tour.
2.30pm: Back in the locker room. Adam has shot a 73, but I reassure him I'm not too upset - even the greatest caddie has to accept that his player can let him down. Now it's the press conference, sign some autographs and a meeting with a biographer back at the hotel. Adam? Not sure what he's up to. Bloke's bloody lucky to avoid the trappings of stardom.
- Sydney Morning Herald
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