Jokes

[Pingeye2_fan]

Re: Jokes

I remember seeing Rodney at the O'keefe centre years ago.

Guy in the audience yells at him, "Rodney how old are you?"

Rodney says, " I'm so old I walked past a cemetery the other day and two guys ran after me with shovels".

[goshawk]

Re: Jokes

A Wee Scots Tale.

A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the famous golf course at St Andrews.

Suddenly, a groundskeeper shouts: 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shite an pish!'

The golfer replies: 'Excuse me, my good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that for me, in English, please!?'

The keeper replies: 'I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!

[nearace]

Re: Jokes

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally .”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money-fifty thousand dollars! Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.” Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” Sally said, “No”. Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.” Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ....” The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

[ace in the hazard]

Re: Jokes

A foursome approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway ran along a road and bike path fenced off on the left. The first golfer teed of and hooked the ball into that direction. But the ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was knocked back on to the fairway. As they all stood in silent amazement, one man finally asked him, “How on earth did you do that?” He shrugged his shoulders and said, “You have to know the bus schedule.”

[nearace]

Re: Jokes

The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said,
"I wanna watch."

[goshawk]

Re: Jokes

An elderly gentleman was asked what he attributed to his longevity. He replied that he ate a spoonful of gunpowder in his cornflakes every day. It turned out the the old gentleman lived to be 103 years old, had 11 children, 21 grandchildren, and 43 great-grandchildren, and left a 15 foot hole where the crematorium used to be!

[nearace]

Re: Jokes

Seeing Eye Dogs
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.
As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there.
We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said,
"A Chihuahua? They gave me a f.........g Chihuahua?!"

[goshawk]

Re: Jokes

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching. The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

[nearace]

Re: Jokes

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching. The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

good laugh

[goshawk]

Re: Jokes

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. However, dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't. (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture. (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they (1) eat less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5) never ask to drive the car, (6) don't hang out with drug-using people; (7) don't smoke or drink, (8) don't want to wear your clothes, (9) don't have to buy the latest fashions, (10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ..

[55plymouth]

Re: Jokes

What do you get if you eat your Blackberry.











Bluetooth.

[davepratt]

Re: Jokes

He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad, once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?"
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three years old. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did," says the brother-in-law, "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"I don't remember."

[tacks451]

Re: Jokes

whos fault is it if a man runs over a woman in his truck?













the mans. he shouldnt have been driving in the kitchen

[goshawk]

Re: Jokes

OLD SAILOR

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times’ sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing??

The prostitute replies, 'Well, Pops, you're doing about three knots. Three knots? He asks. What's that supposed to mean?

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.

[he4dhuntr]

Re: Jokes

Just heard this one over lunch, and I guess it may be funnier when you use someone's name that's sitting around the table instead of just a generic guy, but anyway (and I'll try to avoid any racist comments so will use a generic foreign country as well). Here goes:


On the last night a man is visiting foreign country X, he meets an attractive young lady at a bar. He doesn't speak the language, but they manage to hit it off and he takes her back to his room.

Things start to get hot and heavy. They get down to business with her on top. The whole time she's screaming "Yatchi! Yatchi!". So he's thinking he's doing a great job and starts thrusting even harder. He finishes up soon afterwards and she gets up and leaves.

Back home a few days later, he's at a hockey game. There's a wild slapshot at the net and he hears a man from the crowd scream the same thing "Yatchi! Yatchi!". Intrigued, he gets up to go ask this man what he's screaming. The man explains to him that it means "It's not in! It's not in!".



A couple of golf ones I read not long ago on the Ottawa forums:

A man comes home to his wife. She opens the door wearing nothing but a sexy little outfit and tells him: "Tie me up and you can do anything you want!". So he ties her to a chair and goes to play golf.

I know the Tiger Woods jokes are getting kind of old, but I found this one kindda funny.

Tiger Woods and the Pope both die on the same day, but there was a paperwork mixeup, so the Pope gets sent to hell, while Tiger goes to heaven. Upon meeting the devil, the Pope explains to him that there must have been a mistake. After a couple of phone calls to god and some shuffling through papers, the devil comes back to apologize to the Pope and tells him that everything is sorted out, but that it would take 24 hours for the paperwork to go through, so that he would only be able to go to heaven the next day. The Pope, relieved, agrees.

The next day, the Pope is put on the escalator to heaven and Tiger is sent down to hell. They meet halfway and stop to talk quickly:

Pope: I'm terribly sorry for the mixeup my son.
Tiger: Don't worry about it, I enjoyed myself in heaven for a day.
Pope: That's good. I myself can't wait to get there, I've dreamt my whole life about meeting the Virgin Mary.
Tiger: Unfortunately, you're one day late.


Cheers,