Jokes

[MannyR]

Man's Best Friend

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, see which one is really happy to see you!

[nearace]

Re: Jokes

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?" The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you"?

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."

[nearace]

Re: Jokes

GOLF'S WORST FOURSOME

1. MONICA LEWINSKY
2. O.J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTON

WHY, YOU ASK? Well,

1. MONICA IS A HOOKER
2. O.J. IS A SLICER
3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER , AND.....
4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST

[jcggolfer]

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50º Fahrenheit (10 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians plant gardens.

35º Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
Italian cars won't start.
Canadians drive with the windows down.

32º Fahrenheit (0 C)
American water freezes.
Canadian water gets thicker.

0º Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60º Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Mt.. St. Helens freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-100º Fahrenheit (-73 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians pull down their ear flaps.

-173º Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-460º Fahrenheit (-273 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying 'Cold eh?'

-500º Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

[Long Ball]

Re: Jokes

A man was at the country club playing his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen of course, finishing his round shooting a personal best of 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.

He was jubilant.... then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital. He found the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf - didn't you?! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past three hours enjoying yourself at the country club, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock' care. And YOU'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just messing with ya. She's dead. So, what'd you shoot?"

:-)

This was good.

[nearace]

Re: Jokes

rules for bedroom golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.
2. Play must be permitted by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well-formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Angry course owners have been known to damage players' equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure that the match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

[JCJ]

Re: Jokes

For all the Steven Wright fans...

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."

[Hacker87]

Re: Jokes

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of

women is hitting from the ladies' tees.

The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit

her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely.

Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five
feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically,

'I guess all those f --king lessons I took over the winter didn't help.'

One of the men immediately responds, 'Well, there you have it, you

should have taken golf lessons instead!'

He never even had a chance to duck

[nearace]

Re: Jokes

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied.

He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!".

[nearace]

Re: Jokes

Subject: The Maids Salary
A maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked:

'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than I?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Senora, the gardener did.'

SHE GOT THE RAISE!

[nearace]

Re: Jokes

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of a copper-wire system dating back 100 years, and they
came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone
network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed,
California scientists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after,
headlines in
the LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found
traces of 200 year old copper-wire system and have concluded that their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a
hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, 'The Redneck Rebel Gazette' in Leland, Mississippi,
reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in a corn
field, Billy Clyde Rakestraw, a self-taught archaeologist, reported
that he found absolutely nothing.

Billy Clyde has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Mississippi had
already gone wireless.

[Shake99]

Re: Jokes

Posted this a couple of years ago but still brings a smile.


A husband and wife died and went to Heaven together. They were met at the gates by an angel who was to show them the place. Right over here we have our very own golf course!

Wow! It's beautiful! Can we play it now?! they both exclaimed.

Sure said the angel.

So the couple began playing. It was the most beautiful course they had ever seen. Everything was perfect... the fairways, the greens, even the roughs. The more they played the more the woman beamed with happiness, but she noticed her husband was becoming disheartened and angry.

The woman confronted her husband on what was wrong. I can't understand why you're not happy. We're in Heaven! We're together! We're playing on the most beautiful and most perfect golf course ever! What's wrong with you? she asked.

If you hadn't fed us those DAMN bran muffins, we'd been here years ago!

[nearace]

Re: Jokes

The Gorilla AND THE REDNECK
A small zoo in West Virginia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition

"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00"

[Shake99]

Re: Jokes

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible
sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and
was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was
in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do
for him, Doctor'? The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his
condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.

[nearace]

Re: Jokes

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an
attractive man standing alone. She approached him.

'My name is Carmen,' she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family
name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the

things I like most -- cars and men.'

'What's your name?' she asked.

He said, 'B. J. Titsengolf'